I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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