My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
