Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
