i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
