i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
high people should be assigned attendants
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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