it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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