Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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