I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I need water and some morals
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize