I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
pray to the hookup gods
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
