I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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