it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
