I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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