guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
