Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
zippers are such a cool invention
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
