is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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