I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
