so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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