she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
