Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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