Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Randomize
