Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
