dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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