someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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