you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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