my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
