i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
