I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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