omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
