Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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