Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
