You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
