My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
