Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You smell like stripper and shame
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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