I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
