I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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