I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
