just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
