I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
