Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize