It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
