I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
