did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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