My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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