my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sober January is a disaster.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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