Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
