I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
