Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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