I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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