So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
