Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
