My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize