Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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