She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
