You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
