Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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