she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
